I lost my mother a couple of years ago, and I’m lucky enough to have my father still. I also have other people in my life who I regard as parents and who are well into their 80s. Some of these loved ones are well, and some are not. I worry about the time when I will be the oldest in my family and the pain that I will go through dealing with the illness and death of those I love. Lately, it has been weighing very heavily on me.
Many of us are at an age when we still have kids in college and aging parents at the same time. Then there are those of you who are retired, and finding your new job involves making doctor appointments for yourself and others each week. The sandwich generation is a real thing. And it is hard. How should we manage all these new emotional, physical, and financial tasks?
I have had several patients this week who are at the same time in life that I am (60s). I love working with stone patients because they are in my age group, so we have many life situations in common and relate well to each other.
Why do I bring this all up?
Because you are telling me how hard it is to eat well and care for yourself when caring for others, some of you are not eating enough, and many of you are overeating unhealthy foods. Both are due to the stress of caring for others and or dealing with grief and loneliness due to death or illness. And let’s not forget dealing with other family members when it comes to our aging parents. Some of you are dealing with aging parents and their well-being alone, even though you may have siblings. That adds a whole other dimension of feelings to the mix. I understand.
What advice can I give that you already don’t know? Not much. Now you may think, “Wow, Jill. You have been helping people for decades develop better lifestyle habits. Do you have nothing for me right now?”
You already know you will feel better if you take care of yourself. You already know that others will benefit from you if you eat better, take some time for yourself, get more sleep, and move a bit. You know all these things and don’t need me to tell you.
So what is the point of this letter? I want you to know I see you. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and letting you know that it is ok to feel:
- angry
- sad
- lonely
- overwhelmed
- scared
- anxious
- resentment
- helplessness
- joyless
- guilt
- exhaustion
- isolated
- loss of identity
- shame
- burnout
As I am listing all these feelings, it is no wonder that caring for ourselves in challenging times becomes hard. It feels like we are lost little kids trying to take on the world, and we have no idea what we are doing most of the time. It is ok to be scared and overwhelmed. I feel the same way.
Here is one thing I have learned in my life. I have been through trauma, physical, emotional, and sexual. My cancer nearly killed me, and all the years of illness took an emotional toll on me (and continues to, both physically and mentally). But somehow, I always make it through.
Knowing this gives me strength and solace. I am proud of my natural and manufactured grit. It reminds me that I can and will continue to rise again. I always do. And you will, too.
These past woes have made me who I am today: empathetic, compassionate, funny (thank goodness for humor), strong, tenacious, sensitive, and forgiving. I wouldn’t change those terrible things that happened to me because I learned so much that I might not have otherwise (did I mention I can be stubborn)?
What You Might Try
We are going to be alright. We WILL get through the muck of this. Here is a list of things you might want to try to soothe your weary soul:
- Keep communication open with your loved ones
- Ask for help when you need a break
- Feed yourself one nourishing meal a day if you can (this may be just adding one veggie or fruit to your Big Mac supper)
- Take a 10-minute walk
- Throughout the day, take 10 deep breaths
- Call a friend
- Watch a funny movie
- Write your feelings out (as I am here)
- Be more compassionate with yourself
- Step outside and take a long, deep breath
- Stretch
- Play a favorite song (I am doing that right now as I write to you–Etta James)
- Repeat a mantra that resonates with you (I like to say, “I am doing my best.”)
- Drink your water
- Say “no” when needed (this is NOT selfish)
- Name what you feel. Saying, “I am overwhelmed” can provide a simple form of release
- Take a hot shower or bath
- Talk to someone who gets it (you can certainly email me back)
- Celebrate a small win–“I made it through the morning” counts
- Reflect on one thing that went right
- Lay down in a quiet space for 10 minutes
These are small but effective wins to gain some grounding. Pick a few things that you will do. Let me know if I missed something special that you find works for you, and I can share it with others.
Let’s Keep Going
Whatever you choose to do, know that this will pass. You will see brighter days. You will get through this crappy time. And we will do it together.
I see you. It is ok that you may have negative feelings about everything you must go through right now, but we both know this state will not last forever. It is all going to be ok.
You know where to find me if you need anything. The most important part of what I do is bring people together in a community and discuss how and what we are going through.
You are not alone. I see you. And I know you see me, too, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. One of the greatest gifts of my life is you.
Your friend and fellow human being going through it,
Jill
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