Loved one with kidney stones, how can I help?

Welcome back to the Kidney Stone Diet Podcast, the show about reducing your kidney stone reduce? Ugh! I am tongue-tied today.

'Cause we've done a lot.

The show about reducing your kidney stone risk and living your best life. I'm your host and fellow student, Jeff Sarris.

And I'm Jill Harris, your kidney stone prevention nurse.

So, this is a this is a mess already. No, I'm just a mess, not the show. But this week, instead of a listener question, I have an in-studio question from me.

And I have no idea what he's going to ask, people, so I'm like a little shitting my pants.

Oh, no, no, no. It's going to be good. It's nothing It's nothing crazy.

But for anyone out there, just to remind you, the number's 773-789-8763 and you can call in with your questions. But I have a direct line here, so I am going to utilize that today.

All righty.

So, I actually have a cousin who's had tons of kidney stones.

Oh.

Repeatedly over decades. And I just found out recently he had another one. He was in the hospital once again.

How old is he?

He is right around probably early 50s.

Kay.

But I actually heard from my dad that they will no longer tell my dad about it, because they don't want to hear that there's a way to prevent it. Because they're certain that it's just hereditary, and there isn't anything that they can do. So, I always I just wanted to ask sort of I don't even know if I want to ask how can you help someone who doesn't who they have their belief, and they know what they've experienced.

I don't know if the question is how can you help them or even just is there is there anything that can be said to someone who maybe doesn't doesn't believe that it's possible to fix? I don't know if it's a question for me, a question for him, I It was one of those things, just a big question mark in my head, in my mind, that like how do you help?

Because I want to help. I know that I know that you can help, 100%.

Yeah, and, of course, we know I would do it for free.

Oh, and no, but that aside, just…

For family. But I'm just saying, and we would. So, for So, actually, 'cause let's be real folks, I'm not going to charge Jeffrey's who's he?

Cousin. So, you know, he has this access. There are people that have access.

My nephew gets stones. He has an expert on how to prevent them here.

Yeah.

Okay, so, you know, does he do what I say? No, he does not. So, it's a great question, and I get this a lot.

I will have women call me and they'll say, "My husband…" You know, it's not that he doesn't believe they can be prevented, he just don't care about the diet. He's not doing the diet. That's not happening.

If there's a pill, he'll do that or if there's that, he'll do that. But he's not changing his diet. So, what do we do when somebody is a prolific stone former and they have a belief In this case, he believes it's just genetics.

Does anybody in their in his family have stones?

So, not as much that I'm aware of. There's been talk about it, but my dad wasn't aware of any of it from his side of the family.

I'm just saying where does his belief system come from?

I think someone along the way told him, "You're just a stone former." Sort of the…

Oh, yeah, that happens all the time. Right.

Yeah, and I believe that's what it is. Because also like just because I sort of I know a little more, he's not he's not one who eats a diverse amount of foods, types of foods. He's not one For a while, I know there was only one specific drink he would even drink because he couldn't he felt like he couldn't drink anything else.

It was only a very specific thing that he could, I don't want to say keep down, but, you know, like you sort of you get in your lane, "This is all that works for me."

Yeah. Just like, yeah, my nephew only eats spinach and pizza. I mean, you know I mean, so it's and spinach of all things, right?

Yeah. So, I've learned throughout my career for the last 25 years, you know, I really stopped many moons ago trying to help people That don't want help. And so, as I was saying before, women will call me or men will call me and say, "Look, my spouse, they're they just don't believe that they can be you know, the doctor said you're just a stone former, nothing's going to help." But, you know, I feel like there's a lot that can help, but they're not willing to do it.

And I simply say then, you know, there's not much you can do. So, you can sit there and you can nag your significant other and say, "Honey, you should be doing this, this, this." In your case, you can say, "But there is something blah, blah, blah." If somebody doesn't want it, you're truly wasting your time. And so, what I've learned 'cause I do this for a living, I don't bother my nephew if he doesn't want the help.

I'm not going to waste my time. It's not even being mean about it. I just he doesn't want it.

So, what kind of help am I actually give I'm not giving him help, right? He's actually saying, "I'm good." So, okay, I'm going to take that energy I would've given to him and I'm going to put it on somebody that wants that help. That's just what I'm going to do.

And so, it's it's frustrating when you know you can help somebody. It's frustrating for you because you know you absolutely have a line to direct help and you yourself can help him, you know. So, you know, you built the website, that can help him.

So, I mean, it's kind of it's really hard 'cause you're like, "Oh, my god! There is help," you know? But not for somebody who doesn't want it.

You know? And then the person who's trying to shove that help down somebody else's throat only becomes the nag, the pain in the ass. "Oh, my god!

Wah, wah, wah." So, you're not you're not being helpful is really what it is. So, you should respect that person, their wishes, their belief system, and you just kind of have to go on your way. I will say it's so frustrating.

The other thing I'll say is my nephew and your cousin haven't been haven't hit rock bottom, literally, with these yet. Once they do, they might well open their eyes. And unfortunately, those some there's people in the world, a lot of people that we know and love I'm very stubborn with certain things and I, you know, stage 4 cancer had to knock me over the head before I made some changes in my in my life.

So, who am I to say, you know, that somebody how dare somebody not change their diet? They haven't They haven't hit rock bottom. If your cousin gets, you know, loses a kidney or has such terrible pain the next time that he can't even get up from the floor and has to be taken out of his house with an ambulance, then he might rethink something, you know?

I find that humans really have a hard time, you know, making changes unless they've hit rock bottom, you know? I just think that's human nature. There's some people that they have one thing.

Jill wasn't even that bad, but hell no, never again, you know? There's those people and those are the people that come to me. And then there are there are the other people that are like, "Look, I've had them for 20 years, but this last episode, ho, never again." And it took them that last episode to make the call, right?

So, you know, because changing your diet is super hard. Don't let the diet industry fool you, folks, by telling you it's easy, 'cause it's not. What we're asking you to do is really hard work, but it's worth it because you can change your You can change your whole life.

You can lose weight, you can get rid of, you know, lower your A1C, you can get off your blood pressure medications. You can live a healthier life by doing the things we're asking and prevent kidney stones. So, it's frustrating, but you can only respect what he's ask, you know, he's not asking for your help, so unfortunately, you just have to sit there and wait for the next stone episode, because there will be one.

Yeah.

You know? It That will happen, and I'm saying that because he has such a prolific history. He's had them for a long time.

Yeah, very long time. But, yeah. Yeah, it's just sad, you want to help, and but it's again you sort of you can see it from the like you'd say like the fad diets.

Like, always the cliché was how do you know if someone is vegan? They've already told you, kind of thing, or like paleo or whatever it is. And so, like you can also like I can see that from the other side, where it's like, "I don't want to really hear about your diet," but at the same time, it's like, "God, I just I know it'll help.

I just wish I wish there was some little thing, some way to lead." But, yeah, you just you can't change anyone. You can't…

No, you can't change anybody. And we spend a lot of energy in our lives trying to change people. I have a lot of friends in my life that are like, "Damn, he won't listen to me, Jill.

What am I going to do?" You're going to leave him alone. Because now you're just the reason he ain't going to do nothing, okay? He's not going to do anything now because you're being a pain in the ass.

And it's sometimes it just becomes a push-pull, another push-pull in a relationship, right? So, you know, that's one of the best things you can learn in your life: don't spend energy where it's not going to be utilized. You're wasting it, and you need to put it elsewhere where it will be utilized.

Maybe that's just to yourself, right?

Leading by example.

But it is frustrating. And lead by example. That's a I think that's so amazing that you said that.

So, a lot of people will say, "My husband doesn't want to change." Okay. Okay. He's allowed to do what he wants to do.

He's grown, okay? So, that's fine. But you're going to make yourself dinner, and he can make his own dinner then.

Or, you know, figure out a way. But there's lots of times where people will say, "Well, my kids don't eat anything, you know, they don't want to eat anything healthy." So, what? You're going to make the whole family unhealthy foods?

Well, you can also just make healthy foods and, you know, like my son was brought up with healthier versions of food, so I mean, you know, he's allowed to have whatever he wants, he's practically grown, he's almost 18 years old, but he usually will say, "Look, I've had a lot of sugar today, I'm not having it for the next week," simply because he has heard me scream at patients his entire life.

So, he just knows this stuff without me saying anything to him because he's heard it. So, yes, and going to the gym with me, and, you know, he's been brought up with physical activity, so it's part of his it's been part of his makeup, and now, you know, he's grown in a minute, and he'll do what he will do with it, but so far, so good.

He's really, you know. If we expose our children And there's always I'm I'm thinking in the back of my mind right now, there's always going to be the woman that says, "Yeah, whatever, Jill! I am trying to expose my kids, I stuff broccoli and things that it shouldn't be there, but I do, and they still want damn Annie's Macaroni & Cheese!

What am I to do?" Well, you know, put the broccoli on the side, at least expose them to it. Maybe they won't eat it. We also can't have food issues with kids, right?

So, I mean everybody evolves, they're not going to be eating Annie's Mac & Cheese when they're 42 every day like they are now. All this stuff is so complicated. For your cousin, leave him alone.

It hasn't gotten bad enough that he's seeking out the help. It's just really frustrating for you, I know.

Yeah.

And now me! Thanks. And now me!

I'm frustrated, too.

Yeah. Well, thank you for that. I appreciate it, 'cause, yeah, it is It's just so tough.

But…

It's tough.

Yeah, so, sorry I stole the listener question segment this week, but for anyone out there…

Oh, you didn't, you know why, Jeff? Because everybody has I've heard this is very common, actually. So, I'm dealing with a wife will call me or a husband will call me, and I'll be like, "Well, where's the kidney stone former?

You're not going to There's nothing No. They should at least be on the call with you." It's never going They're never going to change, right, until they're ready to. So, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. But if you're out there with your own question that you'd like featured on the show, the number is 773-789-8763 or send a voice memo Excuse me. Send a voice memo to [email protected].

And I think with that, we'll wrap for this week.

Oh, and subscribe, please.

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But we're giving away as much as we possibly can and trying to reach people how they want to be reached. So, if you know anyone who can benefit from the show, Kidney Stone Diet Podcast wherever they listen, on YouTube, or kidneystonediet.com, those are three perfect places to send them. So, I think with that, we'll wrap.

Thanks again for tuning in.

Yes, yes.

Thank you, Jill.

And we will see you next time.

Bye, guys.

Bye, guys.